I’m in love. Complete exasperated love. The kind of Love that takes every breath of my soul away with just a glimpse of your face. It’s you. It’s always been you. I just never knew how to show it. I got caught up in something ugly that I knew nothing about, and I didn’t know how to get out. I fought and fought and fought for my way; but I didn’t know what else existed beyond the bubble of a world I was caught in. Every time you were around, I felt it. It was only you. Even when it wasn’t you, it was. So loud and clear, it was.
It was a Friday night and the local high school was having its weekly football game. Always one to help out, I usually worked the concession stand at the ball game. This one particular night, I had finished early at the concessions, and was allowed a little time to hit the bleachers with my girlfriends. What a treat!
Gosh, if you only knew what you do to me. Do you know it’s 4 am and I’m up thinking of you. The entire house is quiet. The world is sleeping. Yet, I am awake, wide awake. Sleepless. It’s like I can’t get enough hours in the day to think of you. Laying here in this quiet nights surrounding, I stare at the stars through the ceiling windows. The moonlight illuminates my soul, and all I can think of is your magnificence. Time keeps me awake thinking of all the things that you are made of. I’ve never known Love like the way I see it in you. I’ve now come to know the true meaning of sacrifice. You taught me that. How to sacrifice myself for the ones I love. I’ll do it a thousand times over now that I know. Wow. Another hour has passed and I’m here scolding myself to stop thinking of you and just fall asleep. Sleep is not my friend tonight. I’ve given up trying. Now I just lay here and go with it. I think of getting on my knees in prayer, but I don’t want to stop this feeling I have right now. I wonder if you know you keep me up at night. Sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes a night like tonight shows up, and well, all I can do is let go and let God. Tomorrow I can try to put it all back together. For now, I choose to enjoy these restless hours. I toss on the pillow and turn on my back. With my eyes towards the heavens I smile. That’s when I hear God say, “hold on to me.” His words bring me Peace, but still no sleep. I must be obedient. I glance at the clock, another hour has passed. Wow, this is getting intense. I open my bible to read the word, but every verse I read leads me right back to you. Lord, I’m helpless.
I see your face and all the memories come flooding back into my mind. Your beauty is there, I can see it so well. It takes me back to days when we’d be together laughing and full of joy. One never knows the true nature of another’s life walk: but the time I was able to share my walks with you, are priceless. As I age, I realize that such times are to be cherished. For you never know when they will be gone with the wind. Now my eyes tear when I see you, out of pure love for you. I know you are strong. I know you are fine. Maybe your life is better than what it’s ever been. But you are my friend, and the thought of you paying a toll for what this cruel world has brought upon you, it just breaks my heart; in ways that I never knew existed. Continue reading
With a bounce in her step, she set off to find her place in the day. The sun was bright and the air filled her with a peace like no other. She knew there was no turning back this time. It didn’t mean she loved less, or no longer cared about the situation. She knew for the good of all involved, she could not go back on what she believed was the best thing to do.
In life, the best lessons learned come from the hardest choices made.
Oh when will she learn.
She drove with no intended location in mind. All she knew was that she was not going to lie. Not to herself, not to her family, not to anyone. This life’s ride is all that we get, and she intended to hold on tight and just enjoy it.
It’s your birthday and I can’t even tell you hello.
Instead, I sit here and wonder how another year has passed without you.
Sitting at the table, the french doors opened to the blue skies outside. The breeze blows, flickering the wick of the red candle that sits atop the kitchen island. So much time has passed, when will it all slow down. Am I getting in to deep over my head. Lord says he’ll give me strength. I have all the faith in the world, just sometimes wonder if maybe I’m adding too much. The music is playing in the background. The house has been cleaned and vacuumed. I look around the room and instantly see more things that need to be done. Oh where is my strength. I try to find it in anything I can. I have no friends here. I should open up more and let people in. It’s hard. Again, please God grant me strength. The grass is green, the kids play. I am comforted by the color purple, and by the word Rosa printed under the pink roses on my lighter. I listen as the music sings of innocence. It’s all around me. I’m sorry is all I can think of. So so very sorry. I was never innocent, just blind sighted. It’s 7:50 pm and the sun is still shining. Pure beauty. I sit and stare. I need friends. This lonesome fate is dreadful. I must come alive. I can’t afford to die twice. Death. When I think of death I only see the face of one. I need to put more flowers in my home. Bring some life indoors…..
She awoke early in the morning when the sun began to show its first rays. Wrapped in her arms was the one person who touched her very soul. Deep inside she knew there would never be another like him. She squeezed him tighter with the very thought, as if by doing so would somehow keep him close forever.
It’s all in my head. That’s what I tell myself when things start to take a turn towards disaster. The devil is always trying to come in and rob me of my joy. It must be all the happiness that I like to keep as company. It makes Satan angry. I sometimes wonder what the devil thinks when he looks at me. This person that he’s tried so hard to destroy. He threw everything in his book at me. Heartache, theft, depression, struggle, sin, guilt; you name it, I’ve experienced it. Yet I remain happy as a child each morning that I open my eyes. Blessed with another day God has granted me that I may bring joy to someone. There was a time when the devil had me at my ropes end, ready to just give it all up. Still here I am, standing strong, standing tall, in God’s love! Continue reading