It’s me again Lord. Please help. There’s a heavy weight upon my shoulders. Trusting in Your word’s promise that You will carry all my troubles. I place my trust in You now. My family, my career, my love, I hand them all to You my Father, for your daughter it’s become too much. It’s a lot to carry now, provide me strength so I don’t fail. Lead me to that place of purpose, that I may walk underneath love’s veil. Fill me with a peace like I’ve never known before, equip me that I may stand strong to endure the storm. You anoint us before all battles because that’s the kind of God You are. Help me to remember, when faced with troubled times, You have already bared all scars. I know greatness only comes from You and all Your mighty power! Protect me while I walk this earth, until that great and holy hour. When from the heavens You will shine, so bright and pure and true; and every creature, man and beast, will have to bow to You. No tongue will cease to confess, Your majesty so true. Lord, help them see salvation’s truth that all may come to You. I will not stress about that which I can’t control. For trusting in You means I only have to surrender my all, then sit back and watch Your show. Slow my spirit Lord. That I may see beauty in all my days. Slow me down when it’s the little things you want me to embrace, and make me courageous to stand against bigger trials I must face. Just like David slayed Goliath, I too will have victory over my own giants. Standing brave in your presence, while doing it all in Your name’s essence. Some may call me crazy, think I’ve lost my mind. Let’s show them Your power, use me that Your love may shine.
Early morning the sun rises. Laying in bed with a naked soul, I begin to stir to life. I push the covers down to my ankles, and stare at the heavy white curtains that cover the windows, keeping the world away. Sadly, they are blocking the beautiful sunrise as well. My bare feet touch down onto the worn carpet. Reaching for my pack of smokes, I light up my life. Tired from the night before, but ready for today. It sure has been a long time living life this way. Opening the cupboard, I grab a shot glass and fill it with Jack Daniels whiskey. Only the best for me. Tilting my head back, I sip the strong liquor and let it warm my hollow insides. I make my way to the refrigerator and take inventory for breakfast. Light beer, salsa, chips, and a styrofoam container filled with a mysterious meal. Playing it safe, I reach for the can of beer. Cracking it open and chugging it down like water. There you go buddy, time to come to life now.
Maybe I spend to much time with you. Maybe I’m always wanting to breathe the same air that you breathe. Maybe when we’re apart, I look up into the sky, and thank the heavens that you and I share the same blanket of stars. Maybe knowing that somewhere in this world you stare at the same moon that I do, brings comfort to my soul. Maybe you are my breath, the one that God sent to restore life into me again. Maybe you did. Maybe you believe differently than I do, or maybe you have your own views of what you mean to this world. Maybe I will always see you for who you truly are, an angel. Maybe I scare you with my words. Maybe I know no other way to be. Maybe this is just me. Maybe this will always be me.
I went back home this past weekend. Sometimes I need that trip back home so I can re-gather my strength. The streets of the ghetto were covered in ice and slush, and every corner I turned seemed to be colder than the first.
I never had a love so crazy, where I’m posting it all over the internet and showing it off on Facebook. I’ve seen the posts on different sites, always reading them and thinking…awww, to have a love like that. Then I would keep scrolling up until the next post of a couple looking happy in love. It made me stop and think, who has my heart? Who am I so crazy in love with that I want to show it off, and share with the world who my love belongs to. Then I thought of Jesus, and my heart melted, and a warm feeling came over my bones. My heart began to palpitate wildly with fast beats, and excitement was forming like a bubble in my tummy. The more I thought of him, the deeper in love I fell. I started to wonder why I didn’t fall in love with him a long time ago. I’ve always loved him, I’ve always believed in him, but falling in Love was something foreign to me. One thought of Jesus brought it all back. The way his Love flows like a river in my veins, has me feeling like I’m floating. Knowing that he will carry me, and has carried me, my whole life; brings on a feeling of peace that I think most wives feel with their husbands. Jesus is teaching me what falling in Love is all about. But if you really want to know who is King of my heart, just love up to Jesus. He holds my heart so close to him, that you have to truly know him in order to find me.
Gosh, if you only knew what you do to me. Do you know it’s 4 am and I’m up thinking of you. The entire house is quiet. The world is sleeping. Yet, I am awake, wide awake. Sleepless. It’s like I can’t get enough hours in the day to think of you. Laying here in this quiet nights surrounding, I stare at the stars through the ceiling windows. The moonlight illuminates my soul, and all I can think of is your magnificence. Time keeps me awake thinking of all the things that you are made of. I’ve never known Love like the way I see it in you. I’ve now come to know the true meaning of sacrifice. You taught me that. How to sacrifice myself for the ones I love. I’ll do it a thousand times over now that I know. Wow. Another hour has passed and I’m here scolding myself to stop thinking of you and just fall asleep. Sleep is not my friend tonight. I’ve given up trying. Now I just lay here and go with it. I think of getting on my knees in prayer, but I don’t want to stop this feeling I have right now. I wonder if you know you keep me up at night. Sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes a night like tonight shows up, and well, all I can do is let go and let God. Tomorrow I can try to put it all back together. For now, I choose to enjoy these restless hours. I toss on the pillow and turn on my back. With my eyes towards the heavens I smile. That’s when I hear God say, “hold on to me.” His words bring me Peace, but still no sleep. I must be obedient. I glance at the clock, another hour has passed. Wow, this is getting intense. I open my bible to read the word, but every verse I read leads me right back to you. Lord, I’m helpless.
I see your face and all the memories come flooding back into my mind. Your beauty is there, I can see it so well. It takes me back to days when we’d be together laughing and full of joy. One never knows the true nature of another’s life walk: but the time I was able to share my walks with you, are priceless. As I age, I realize that such times are to be cherished. For you never know when they will be gone with the wind. Now my eyes tear when I see you, out of pure love for you. I know you are strong. I know you are fine. Maybe your life is better than what it’s ever been. But you are my friend, and the thought of you paying a toll for what this cruel world has brought upon you, it just breaks my heart; in ways that I never knew existed. Continue reading
With a bounce in her step, she set off to find her place in the day. The sun was bright and the air filled her with a peace like no other. She knew there was no turning back this time. It didn’t mean she loved less, or no longer cared about the situation. She knew for the good of all involved, she could not go back on what she believed was the best thing to do.
In life, the best lessons learned come from the hardest choices made.
Oh when will she learn.
She drove with no intended location in mind. All she knew was that she was not going to lie. Not to herself, not to her family, not to anyone. This life’s ride is all that we get, and she intended to hold on tight and just enjoy it.
It’s your birthday and I can’t even tell you hello.
Instead, I sit here and wonder how another year has passed without you.