Only In My Dreams

A_Childhood_Dream_III_by_YusufArtun

You were in my dreams again last night. I’m not even surprised anymore. It’s become a familiar dream now. Since it happens so often. I sometimes wonder are my dreams just a fiction of my imagination, or does it all mean something deeper. I struggle on the edge of a fine line between wanting to believe all that is meant, yet restraining myself just enough so I don’t fall over the cliff, and go plunging into a darkness unknown to me. But when I close my eyes, and see you as real as love itself, it all feels so right.

I get lost in my dream of holding your hand, running with my feet on the ground and my love on my arm. We laugh, we hug, and we love. There is no sadness, no heavy shoulders loaded with the weight of mistakes. It’s just you and I, free as birds.

You parted your lips to say sorry, and with the slightest shake of my head I silenced you. You stared into my eyes and saw that all was forgiven. No words had to be spoken. That eerie silent understanding we shared said it all. Instead, your lips formed the smile of a God as we fell into each others arms, breathless.

The feeling of life came over us both, and the air around us carried an aura of pure joy and admiration. The dream was so real. The touch of your hand on mine, skin to skin. It was beautiful. You kissed me. My insides turned to mush. You kissed me again, and my knees gave in to the exhilaration of having the one thing I want most in life, You.

It’s only a dream. As my eyes slowly open, the reality of not having you in my life cuts me like a knife. I shut my eyes tight.

”If only I can get one more glimpse, one more kiss,” but all I see is an image of you fading. I will my mind to hold on tighter. ”One more,” I beg.

You’re gone. It’s all so surreal now.  The doors to my heart begin to slowly shut again. The pain is too real. I can’t let anything in. It hurts if I do. So I close off my heart.

“Why Lord?” I ask. Knowing that this path he’s placed me on is his will. Still, I have to ask.

I’ve come to accept that I may never have the answer in this lifetime, as to why we cannot be. This life without you is where I should be, today. I find an inner peace by telling myself that it’s because of me. If only I did things differently, if only I showed my true spirit, if only I fought harder for the love I had for you. All of those opportunities have passed. All I have left is a memory. A memory that creeps into my dreams and brings you back when I need you most.

I’ve learned to be content with having you only in my dreams. It’s never enough though.  I know that if this is the only way I can have you, I’ll take what I can get. My life’s curse you are. For even the happiest of happy times without you, don’t compare to the genuine truth of one minute with you. I cannot lie. What I shared with you has become the epitome of everything thereafter. Nothing can compare to you and me. Absolutely nothing.

So I try to live life as peaceful as I can. Doing all that’s right and expected. I keep you locked within the walls of my heart, and throw away the key. For I want nothing more inside, only you. This dearest place within my heart is yours to dwell forever.

My love, this is how I keep you close. No one can take this from me. It’s only when my body rests, when my mind no longer works so hard to keep you hidden, when my spirit sleeps and my eyes are closed; then the doors of my heart creep open and I let you out into my world. You fill my dreams with pure light from your angelic face. We live. Only in my dreams.

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