Beauty in Brokenness

God, I need you now. This battle is heavy. Gonna need your super powers to lift the melancholy that is hanging stagnant over this second family. I know that happiness can return with more magic than before. The devil always tries so hard to destroy the beauty in brokenness. But he’s facing me this time, and I aint no punk! My prayers will build walls around us all that no evil will penetrate. Never again. I wear the full armour of God every day to protect me from such things.

You know, this battle was just another lesson learned. It didn’t break me. You know that I love to stand here and look out at all the people. Every single day I watch them. Some happy, some troubled, some just meh. I study them, their moves the things that make them happy. I try to make mental notes of what brings smiles to their faces. Every time I look out, I see a great group of people.

Why you brought me here is still a mystery to me. I keep trying to look for logic in the chaos, and then I remember that my thoughts are not your thoughts. All I can do is trust in Your will and surrender to all that is You. I look around at how far You have brought me and all I can do is drop to my knees and thank You. For it is by Your goodness alone that I am where I am today. Despite the whirlwind of emotions that comes with this new status, I will remain humble.

I need you Lord. I need you like never before. Let me be that vessel which spreads your goodness to all that I encounter. Let me be that shoulder that people need when they can’t stand alone. Let me be that soul filled with light when one can only see darkness. Let me be that trust that soothes the spirit when they come to me broken. But most importantly through it all, let me be the example of You.

When broken spirits lean on me for comfort, let them know that it is Your love that soothes them. Not mine. You placed me here for a reason God. Guide me to live out that reason for all the goodness that You intend it to be. Because only You have the POWER to make all things new. I so deeply deeply believe in You.

Sometimes It Just Comes

There’s a certain type of closeness that my spirit craves. At times I think myself mad wondering if the scenes are all in my head.  Does nothing else satisfy me? Why am I not content with this ‘anything else’ that people speak of.

Is this my penance? I want to believe I am stronger than this. Temptation always looks the same. I pray up. I God up! I humble my spirit to all that is my will from above. Show me, Lord. I beg You. I need to know my purpose here. I keep getting snagged up in the same bullshit of life. I need to be better!

My sins are what has brought this on. I know. Now teach me how to trust it, because I promise you that I knew. I saw the heartache before I saw the passion. We both tried wholeheartedly, but even the smallest of sin can bring on the biggest pangs.

Sometimes it just comes God. Most times I’m equipped with your understanding and strength to see it through. Other times it comes so fiercely it knocks me off my feet. These are the times I need You most, to carry me through. You always do, there’s never been one time that you have failed me. Not once. I sometimes wonder how one can not believe in Your majestical power. I feel it so deeply when you instill it into my soul that I may face the day so bravely. 

So let it come. I’m not scared!

Letting Go

My heart hurts. I thought I had more time with you. I knew that I didn’t. But my heart wanted me to believe I did. When I woke up this morning I saw you sitting on the chair next to the piano. In front of you was your suitcase and your guitar. My heart stopped. I knew the time had come. Every piece of me wanted to run to you and hug you. Just hold you so damn tight that you could never leave again. I want to tell you that your place is here, with us, your family. I’m not talking about the kind of family that is tied by blood bonds. I’m talking about our family. The one that we made up of misfits and broken hearts. The one that we bonded together over heart aches and trials, and we all made it through.

I know you must travel down this road of self discovery. I’ve always known. I just didn’t want you to leave us. Bottom line truth of it all was I wish I could keep you here with us forever. I wish I could send you to school with me. I wish I could give you a home. I wish I could keep you close to me like my own. There’s so much I wish for you.

Now that you have gone I want you to know that I am here for you, always. I wish you all the best and all the happiness on this next journey that you are about to embark on. I ask that God keep you safe and keep you close and that you are never in need of love. If at any time in life, things take an unexpected turn, and you find yourself wondering or pondering, with no where else to go, please know my heart and my home are always open. You belong here with us, never forget that.

I wish I could have been better for you. I wish I could have done better for you. I wish I could have given more to you. I wish I could have been a better role model for you. I just ask that you take what you have learned and use it for the better of you. Use it for the good of your heart and others. And know that no matter where you go in life, I will always wish you were still here with us.

Take care, be safe, and know that I hold a special place in my heart for you. It’s empty right now, but your goodness and success in life will refill it again one day. I’m sure of this.

Love you.

Never Afraid

Keep coming to the same spot, still, each time is different. You’re constantly showing me new things. Teaching me how to submit to Your way, Your will. Every single time I try to do it my way, it’s wrong. Not quite right. Then You reveal to me the big picture. Telling me to just let go and let You. So I do. That when it all comes crashing down so perfectly. I’m weak Lord. I know this. But with You leading my life, I never have to be afraid. The hard part is when You lead me to show love in situations where I want no part. The marvelous way You humble my heart and show me that all persons need love. Give me wisdom Lord. That I may not be a dim light in this world but a light filled with beauty in brokenness.

Yahweh

When the glorious day comes
Where I’m bowing at Your feet 
Will be like a day I can’t imagine
When finally You I meet
I’ll bow my head before You
And praise Your holy name
Your love is overwhelming
Mighty Father my God Yahweh
Lord show me what You need of me=
Use me for Your thrill
My body is Your temple
I live to do Your will.

Heaven

Lately I’ve been obsessed with thoughts of Heaven.  The pure beauty of it. The peace it will bring. The mere amazement of something so magnificent that God is preparing for us. I’m like a child who can’t wait to get to Disney World for the first time.

Thankful

I have sooo much to be thankful for!  The way God continues to pour out his blessings onto my family is beyond words. He keeps doing it over and over, and leaves me speechless each time.  I never falter with my belief in His promises, and I always have faith that God Almighty forever carries me in His love. Instead, when I’m faced with something unbearable, I stop and wonder, ”Just how is my God going to get me through this one?”  For a mere lonely soul that I am, I don’t have the understanding of God’s power, yet, I know just how powerful it is. And I wait in trust for him to reveal it to me. And when He does, oh the things I learn from him! For where I see impossible, He makes possible!  When I see darkness, He brings the light. When I see no answers, He becomes the only answer for me. The way he fills my heart with joy is indescribable. It makes me just fall to my knees and give Him praise. And it keeps me longing to be able to praise Him forever, like ten thousand years forever.  

No Weapon Against Me Shall Prosper

It’s been a while since I’ve heard Your voice God. I know it wasn’t You that went away. I got so wrapped up in my pursuit for greatness; I failed to keep my eyes on You. Constantly chasing success, working so hard to earn approval of man. Still through it all You were there. It was Your strength provided that brought me achievement. For even in those moments when I felt I had nothing left to stand on, it was Your love that picked me up and carried me to that next level of perfection. 

Illuminate My Path

Lord lead me, illuminate Your path before me. That I may walk boldly in Your love, spreading joy to everyone around. Let me be the light in every room I enter, that others may look at me and see You shining brightly through. Your love is more beautiful than I could ever be. Help me to become the person You created within me, not the person that I think I can be, I matter only in Your Kingdom. For You I’ll do the work You called upon me to do, but I must keep my eyes on You and You alone. Let Your grace rain down upon my spirit and fill my bones with Your goodness. Fill me up with Your love until it overfills my soul and spills out everywhere I go. When people encounter me, let them be reminded of Your amazing sacrifice, and how You saved us all up on that cross of Calvary. You are my Jesus Messiah, and I am so deeply deeply in love with You ❤

Voice of My God

There are days I sleep in.  Other days, my Lord wakes me so we can talk. These are the most precious moments for me. I hear His soft voice like a whisper in my ear, “Arise my child.”
My times with Him usually happen in the early morning hours. My God is with me always, but it’s the early sunrises that we have our most intimate conversations. When all is peaceful and still, He comes.